I sit here at my computer at 11:45pm. It's late. I know, but I compose this blog reflecting on two issues that stir emotion deep within me. Those issues are suicide and bullying. At times these two issue are not related to the same instance but at times they are.
For starters I must say that I am deeply affected by Lee Thompson Young's death. Young and talented he was. I posted a picture of him to my page on Instagram this morning. What prompted me to choose that pic was his smile. In the pic he has this gleaming smile that took my breath away. I began to wonder about those who knew him personally. Did anyone try to help? I don't sit here in judgment of his friends and family. I just wonder who knew about this? When I say "this" I mean to say "suicide". Okay so the reports are that it was a suicide. Who knows? Maybe there is more to the story. Either way I am saddened by this. I also understand it.
I first thought about suicide when I was seven. I remember I was acting out against my sister and a neighborhood acquaintance came over and yelled at me. I ran inside and grabbed a steak knife before retreating to a closet. I sat in the closet crying and wanting to kill myself. Maybe I was being melodramatic. Maybe I lacked the skills to process what I was feeling. Or, maybe I just hated myself so much that I didn't see that there was an alternative. My contemplation that sunny day while in the dark closet was what I would miss. I remember reasoning that if I killed myself I wouldn't get to eat pancakes. What can I say? I have always loved food. I also wondered if anyone would miss me? As it turns out no one ever came looking for me in that closet. Eventually I came to the realization that I valued eating pancakes more. I then stepped out of the closet, put the knife back in the drawer and went about my business as a 7 years little girl. I got through that moment. I often reflect back on that day and wonder how I knew anything about suicide in the first place. It still baffles me to this day.
For me that feeling went away but for others that feeling stays with them for hours, days and even weeks at a time. There are good days then there are those days where you can't seem to climb out of the darkness.
We would like to believe that people in the public eye have it all together except for those notable celebrities who are constantly in the news for bad behavior. Ultimately no one is perfect and who we are is just who we are, imperfect humans with the capacity to love, to hate, to live and to die. Now some may condemn suicide and comment that those who attempt and those who succeed are not going to heaven. No one has the right to state who is going to heaven and who isn't. I don't care what religion or faith you believe in or practice. No one had the right to decide that "Kevin" down the street is going to hell because he committed suicide. That decision is between each individual and the higher being that they serve. So I state here and now that I disagree with every single religion that believes they have the right to condemn someone because of suicide.
It can get hard sometimes to live without questioning who you are and if you are doing the right thing and whether you and your life matter to this world. I know this to be true. Sometimes people have to live minute by minute because they are on the emotional edge. Loving ourselves may take practice before it becomes a habit and then second nature. So I say to all of you out there thinking about "it", don't give up. You are of value and someone cares and I hope one day you see how much you mean to this world.
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