Breast Cancer Awareness

Today was the Strides for a Cure 4 mile walk in San Diego.  My walk wasn't about me it was about my sister.  She was diagnosed the same month she turned 41 years of age.  On the outside she seems pretty strong and resilient and has been since she was diagnosed.  Today, ironically, she sent me a text and seem really upset that everyone was judging her.  I'm not sure what has happened but I need to make sure that I am available for her in case she just needs to vent. 

The next five month are going to be hard for her.  She has one more surgery and then she is planning to get enrolled in school.  From there she must work at finishing school and find a job so that she can get back on her feet.  Times are tough for her but I don't ever see her as weak.  She's like a power house and I don't think she realizes it.

Today during the event I decided not to take any pictures of me.  I felt like it would be selfish of me to take pictures that included me in them.  As I said earlier I didn't do this for me.  Now that I'm moving away I am very conflicted.  I'm sad that I won't be there for my sisters and Grandma.  On the other hand I'm excited for this new journey.  I'm disturbed that my ex is urging me to go away without so much as a "I'm going to miss you." or "Make sure you stay in touch."  I guess that's why we are exes.  It's still sad though.

Job Offer, Finally

This morning I received the job offer I had been waiting on that includes a grade increase.  This means I can now move back east.  One drawback is that I am taking a $700 a year pay cut.  Although it's a grade increase the cost of living is a lot lower there.  If I were moving from the east coast to Cali it would be the other way around.  A year from now, provided my review is good, I can expect to receive another grade increase coupled with a $7K increase in pay without having to relocate.  Hopefully the $700 pay cut shouldn't hurt me too bad considering where I will be living won't cost me nearly as much to live as it does here in California.  However I won't be getting cable for a while and I won't be eating out much either.  It's a good thing that I have the nutri-bullet so I can blend all my meals.  Basically the only items I need on my grocery list are Oats, egg whites, spinach, kale, bananas (or any fruit in season), almonds, cashews or pecans, wheat bread and maybe some cake every now and then. LOL.  Cause I love me some cake.

It's hard for me to get too excited.  There are a lot of changes that will happen in a short span of time, most likely 30-days to be exact.

I'm 40 Dang It! Part II

So over the last week I have moments to myself here in this apartment with out my ex being around.  I loved it!  It was quiet, providing me more than enough space to think and ponder.  When I think of not living together and moving on I think about my Mother who is single living along in a house she purchased about three years ago and now is about to sell it.  She is selling it because she doesn't have anyone to help her take care of and when she finishes paying for this house she will be in her 80's.  So she decided that she would rather live by herself in an apartment where she didn't have to mow the lawn or constantly put money into hiring a handy man.

I certainly don't blame her however I don't want to be alone in my 60's.  I do want to be in a fulfilling relationship.  There are times when I see my mother in me.  It's the way I talk to people and how I react.  I don't want to be that woman saying slick things to people.  By "slick" I mean responding to someone with rude smart alec jabs disguised as helpful comments that are clearly unnecessary.  To avoid those "slick" comments I am constantly watching what I say because those comments can be hurtful.

Aside from not wanting to live with my ex any longer I have come to the conclusion that I don't want to date for a long while.  I choose to not pursue meeting anyone for the purpose of having an intimate relationship.  Right now I would like my life to encompass family, career, school, fitness and the very few friends I have.

Most my my friends are male and yes, I am in the friend zone.  Yes, they call me for advice or to rant about there ex girlfriend or why they just broke up with all three of the women at the same time.  I'm okay with that.  It takes the pressure off of me to be something to them that I am not.  I can be just me and know that I don't have to deal with the emotional trip I go through having women as friends.  I notice that the women usually befriend me and use me for my moral support and then when their situation gets better they no longer support our friendship.

Being 40 means, for me, that it's time to evaluate the people in my circle and what I really want to happen with my life.  I'm changing my focus to reflect what truly makes me happy.

All Or Nothing

It's all or nothing.  I'm giving only a fraction of what I am capable of.  I'm holding back and keeping all of my innards for something I can't even name or describe.  The one thing I love about myself is that I am passionate about love, being loved, helping others and food.  Yeah, I threw food in there because it's the truth. 

I've got one life and I have let people absorb a portion of it with no intentions of doing any good with it.  Life is too short.  I know, it's been said so many times it's become a cliche but it's true.  It's never more evident until someone has died.   Today I found that "Candy man" passed away and I became immediately sad.  It's a real life reminder why I don't want to settle with a man just because everyone in my circle says I should.  What if I don't want to date men anymore or at least for a while?  It's usually the same old crap.  What if I selected a job that truly made me happy but that didn't pay the kind of money to keep me shopping?

Basically I am trying to convey that life is short and I don't want to settle for things/people that don't truly speak to who I am as a person.  Often I don't get what I put out because I believe that some of the people I have become acquainted with are takers.    Takers are people who want nothing for others but want all for themselves.  I have no time for takers.

I'm 40 Dang It!

Now that I am in my 40's I feel differently and that's not always good.  I feel like my body is betraying me.  I wake in pain every day, every single day.  My chest hurts so bad sometimes I am afraid to sneeze.  When I do sneeze both my chest and left shoulder aches.  My knees make crackling sounds.  I guess I could go on and on but I won't about what ails me.  All I know is that right now I am not the best I can be.  I want and expect something so profound for me in my 40's.  I haven't figured out how to get it.  Actually I do know how I can get it but I have been procrastinating.

The number one thing I feel I can do is not except my life as final.  Secondly finally move on from the guy I live with who happens to be my ex-boyfriend.  Mediocre sex and a lack of verbal filters when necessary don't make my life hell but they are constant reminders why I don't want to be with him and why I am glad he decided not to give in to my whimpering to get back together.  Somehow he knew better. 

I'm a self-professed control freak.  I want to control my intimate surroundings.  This means that I don't want to live with a man unless I can honestly say that I love him and want him in my life for as long as humanly possible.  I don't want to pick up after a man nor do I care to wash his dishes after he expressed that his non-dish washing stint was because they weren't HIS dishes.  Okay then that means now that I should refuse to continue cleaning the bathroom to include the toilet, sink, shower and floor because the baby powder on the floor isn't mine but HIS.  Maybe I will just clean my half of the counter and sink.  How about that?  No, that's petty.  I would be giving in to his way of doing things.


Now about this filter, I don't believe my ex has one.  Last week we went to a seafood restaurant and the hostess commented that things were a bit slow.  Later a waitress, different from the initial one that took our order, came over.  His comment to her was "You must be bored, huh?" She asked why and he replied with a comment about her having nothing to do in the back and coming out to assist us.  She was taken totally aback and begin to explain that she was just trying to help.  I was mortified.  My question/comment was, "Did you really just say that to her?"  his reply was "She be alright."

I will admit that he is a very rough around the edges but I told him the last time he acted like a heathen in a restaurant that I wouldn't go again.  Sure there are times when you relax and have a good time.  Then you have those restaurants where you mind your manners.  In this earlier case he yelled across the restaurant for the waitress.  I couldn't believe he did that.  While we ate he blurted obscenities.  I was mortified.  I should have learned my lesson then.

Okay besides that he and I have nothing in common.  He likes to go out and drink and I mean really lay it down.  I used to but not anymore.  I go to the gym he won't go near a gym.  So not only while dating him did I gain weight, he has gained weight.  Sex just sucks now.  He smokes, I don't.  He won't clean and I do.  Actually he will clean maybe once a month just the bathroom or just the kitchen and carpet.

Bottom line is that now that I am in my 40's I don't want to put up with bull crap anymore. I don't want to pussyfoot around difficult subjects.  I don't want to have sex when I don't want to have sex and since he and I technically are not dating I don't feel obliged to have bad sex with him.  He's a funny guy just not MY funny guy.

I don't want to cancel a dream because someone doesn't want me to pursue it.  If I want to move to Timbuktu then I am going to do that.  If I want spend all my money on Nike Tailwinds then I don't want someone telling me how to spend the money I make.

I don't want someone telling me what to eat and when I should eat.

I don't want anyone questioning me about my childless life and whether or not I have a desire to procreate.

I'm 40 for goodness sakes!  There is something to be said about that!

Leaving an Impression

9-28-12

Today was the Admin Officer’s last day. I knew it was coming and thought I had prepared myself adequately.  However today she emailed a power point presentation to everyone.  The minute I heard the music my eyes welled up with tears.  I don’t want her to go and I know that seems selfish.  She made me feel as if I were capable of anything.  Even during those times when I questioned myself and the job I was doing.  Her encouraging words and selfless attitude were traits to emulate. 

This day has impressed upon me just how someone can affect another person without even knowing it.  I may be teary eyed right now but I know I will be just fine.  When I am frustrated with someone’s actions I will remember Gail and ask myself what she would do.  When I make a mistake I will remember Gail and forgive myself, correct the mistake and move on.  When I am feeling less than enthused I will still answer the phone with an upbeat vibe and do all that I can to help the caller.  When I am lost and can’t remember why I am here I will remember Gail and immediately know that I have a purpose and that purpose should be honored and not loathed.

I want to work at providing others with the same ray of sunshine just as she did to all of us.

Gail you will be missed terribly.

 

The Perfect Career: Lots of work to do

Since my last blog about my current position and future career plans I have done a lot of brainstorming while trying to determine what is realistic for me and my short attention span.  : )  I have come to understand that my journey must include gaining more work experience in the health and wellness industry and that it must not cost me an arm and a leg, if anything at all.  I decided to start with volunteer service and don't expect I will have anything concrete to report for another two weeks.  I have also concluded that although I have a degree I may have to take a pay cut to afford myself the opportunity to become happy in my work/career life.  In response to this conclusion I decided to get serious about looking for a part-time job so that I pay my car off early.  I'm not expecting to make tons of money I just need something that will net me an extra $500 a month after taxes.

Besides what I have mentioned above I also came to the realization that I want a much simpler life with less clutter and less clothes.  The extra clothes can go but my six pairs of Nike Tailwind +2, +3 and +4 can stay.  What can I say? They make my feet feel awesome!  I have become increasingly annoyed with having an object or piece of furniture in every corner of my apartment dwelling. I feel tense and can't concentrate on my goals when I get home from work.  Sometimes I want to lash out but realize I'm the to blame for all of this.

Today is probably the first day in a very long time that I didn't not come home after work and immediately turn on the television.  Yay for me!  I remember these days before I had a roommate or a boyfriend.  I kept my dwelling quiet and serene just so I had the mental space to think.  Now my television stays on from the time my roommate gets home from school (5:30pm) until the time he falls asleep on the couch (1am).  I guess what I am trying to say is that I need my space to think and to plan my life before acting out my life.  I see that I have lots of work to do and that am going to make my needs a priority.  This so that I can get on with the business of planning a career that I don't yet have.

The Perfect Career

I am currently employed as a support assistant in administration with the federal government. I have been at my place of employement since June 2008. I review payroll documents, make supply purchases, review travel authorizations and assist administratively where needed. My collateral duties should be planning office parties and being the lunch goffer but I'm not a party planneer and have seemingly gotten away from those duties.  Sure I'm glad that I am employed but I am severely unhappy. For the last three years I have been on USAJobs.gov looking for other work. I have applied for over 30 to 40 positions. In the grand scheme of things applying for 30 to 40 positions isn't much compared to some of people out there in the world. What is important to note is that my passion for the last 9 years has been fitness. However took a job outside of my field because it allowed me an opportunity to pay my living expenses once my divorce was final.

Here I am four years later and I am miserable. While on USAJobs.gov I noticed that I have been unable to find the perfect position. I'm not sure it even exists. In most cases I would bet that people have to adapt in order to make those jobs work. Because of my very strong opinions I find that if I were to adapt I would be adapting to an environment where things are not done according to policy all the time. This is a place where applicants are hand-picked before the vacant position is announced. Large sums of money are spent on conferencing facilities when lower cost venues exist. There is more but I won't go into details. All I can say is that it's unsettling to say the least.

A light bulb went off while I was at work yesterday and I wondered why don't I create my own job/career/position. There are a few things I love that I could see doing for a very long time.

1.      Fitness/Health & Wellness

2.      Food (from all regions of the world) and it's health benefits

3.      Educating people about the first two items

Although I have not finished brainstorming I realize this is going to be a lot of work. See, I don't stick with any one thing as my friends and family point out. I'm all over the place. I start something and then stop when I get bored or when it proves too cumbersome. I am seen in the eyes of those who know me as someone who can't or won't change.

This morning I officially start my journey to creating my own career from scratch - well kind of. I have one year to the day to chronicle my journey, the good times and the bad through words and pictures.

Today is the day!

I have been contemplating starting a blog for some time now and never followed through with my thoughts.  However today is the day.  With everything going on in the world I couldn't help but start a blog.  I have so much to say about everything.  So today marks the start of a new journey for me. . .I wrote this many months ago and yet here I am again. . . let the blogging begin!