Loving ourselves even when it's tough

I sit here at my computer at 11:45pm.  It's late. I know, but I compose this blog reflecting on two issues that stir emotion deep within me.  Those issues are suicide and bullying.  At times these two issue are not related to the same instance but at times they are.

For starters I must say that I am deeply affected by Lee Thompson Young's death.  Young and talented he was.  I posted a picture of him to my page on Instagram this morning.  What prompted me to choose that pic was his smile.  In the pic he has this gleaming smile that took my breath away.  I began to wonder about those who knew him personally.  Did anyone try to help?  I don't sit here in judgment of his friends and family.  I just wonder who knew about this?  When I say "this" I mean to say "suicide".  Okay so the reports are that it was a suicide.  Who knows? Maybe there is more to the story.  Either way I am saddened by this.  I also understand it. 

I first thought about suicide when I was seven.  I remember I was acting out against my sister and a neighborhood acquaintance came over and yelled at me.  I ran inside and grabbed a steak knife before retreating to a closet.  I sat in the closet crying and wanting to kill myself.  Maybe I was being melodramatic.  Maybe I lacked the skills to process what I was feeling.  Or, maybe I just hated myself so much that I didn't see that there was an alternative.  My contemplation that sunny day while in the dark closet was what I would miss. I remember reasoning that if I killed myself I wouldn't get to eat pancakes.  What can I say?  I have always loved food.  I also wondered if anyone would miss me?  As it turns out no one ever came looking for me in that closet.  Eventually I came to the realization that I valued eating pancakes more.  I then stepped out of the closet, put the knife back in the drawer and went about my business as a 7 years little girl.  I got through that moment.  I often reflect back on that day and wonder how I knew anything about suicide in the first place.  It still baffles me to this day.

For me that feeling went away but for others that feeling stays with them for hours, days and even weeks at a time.  There are good days then there are those days where you can't seem to climb out of the darkness. 

We would like to believe that people in the public eye have it all together except for those notable celebrities who are constantly in the news for bad behavior.  Ultimately no one is perfect and who we are is just who we are, imperfect humans with the capacity to love, to hate, to live and to die. Now some may condemn suicide and comment that those who attempt and those who succeed are not going to heaven.  No one has the right to state who is going to heaven and who isn't.  I don't care what religion or faith you believe in or practice.  No one  had the right to decide that "Kevin" down the street is going to hell because he committed suicide.  That decision is between each individual and the higher being that they serve.  So I state here and now that I disagree with every single religion that believes they have the right to condemn someone because of suicide.

It can get hard sometimes to live without questioning who you are and if you are doing the right thing and whether you and your life matter to this world.  I know this to be true.  Sometimes people have to live minute by minute  because they are on the emotional edge.  Loving ourselves may take practice before it becomes a habit and then second nature.  So I say to all of you out there thinking about "it", don't give up.  You are of value and someone cares and I hope one day you see how much you mean to this world.

Just a few things before I go to bed

Couple things I want to touch on:

I need a budget! While on Instagram I have discovered nail art and nail art addicts.  I buy crazy hauls of nail lacquer and am so happy that it's nail lacquer and not drugs or alcohol! 

I contacted a friend via text that I haven't spoken to in months.  As with most all my friends who are in relationships he's busy.  Enough said about that.

I'm hoping to get ahold of my BFF and check in on him tomorrow.  I have so many questions for him but I just don't know where to start.  More on this in a later blog entry.  Going to bed.

Goals

I had a chat with a co-worker about why now is a great time to stop putting things off.  I have some goals, right now two, that are not known to anyone in my immediate circle.  Sure I have spoken of these ideas but never stated to them that they would be a goal in my 41st year of living.  Today I spoke with an Subject Matter Expert on one of those goals.  Nothing in writing just getting information.  Although I am writing about these goals I have no intention of detailing the exact nature of them until I have achieved them or found that they aren't possible in one way or another.  I must do this now or I will regret my lack of action for the rest of my life.  By the way, these goals don't include trying to get back with my ex!

Memories . . .

Looking back at the past has been a regular occurrence for me over the last several weeks.  Today while I picked through some of my old pics I became teary eyed and very emotional.  I could say that it’s because I am a woman but I’m sure that’s not the only reason.  I found all sorts of pictures.  Some were of my Mom when she was in her late twenties and thirties and of my niece and nephew playing basketball together during one summer when I came to visit them in Seattle.  I came across a picture of my twin sister and I celebrating our birthday together.  We couldn’t have been more than ten years old.  There was a picture of me building a cinder block wall at the Mini-mart on base in Annapolis.  I was no more than 19 or 20 years old.   

I am filled with many mixed emotions.  I wouldn’t trade those experiences I had with my family and while serving in the military for anything.  Though I often think about my failed marriage that I may have mentioned in a previous blog.  He and I had everything I thought we would need to succeed.  We had a lot in common and would have been great as a couple.  We both like to succeed, travel, eat, shop but that wasn’t enough to keep us from arguing and fighting and cheating whether emotionally or physically.  We were different in the way we expressed our need for intimacy and alone time.  Although I look at his pictures and still wonder what-if. I know that it would probably never work if we got back together.  I wish things were different.  I don't want to hear that I'm better off without him or that he doesn't deserve me.  These are thoughts that I need to come to on my own.  I have to know this and come to this conclusion on my own accord or I will always ask myself "What if?"

So as I look back the regret sets in.  The regret floods my every thought. I regret not staying in the military. I regret that I was so stubborn.  I regret that I didn’t give 100% to my marriage and truth be told I want a do-over. I regret that I didn’t take dance lessons before I hurt my knee.  I regret not taking boxing lessons before my shoulder was injured. Sure, regret is a waste and I agree.  The only thing left for me to do is to change my course of action and try to stay in the present as I navigate through life as a single 41 year old woman. 

I know I have a lot to be thankful for and I haven’t slept on that fact.  I have a job that pays me very well.  I am one payment away from paying my car off.  I can spend or not spend my money how I choose.  I can love or leave “him” alone without the dramatics.  See I have a varied sense of who I am as a woman and as a person. I have many interests such as love, music, traveling, breakdancing (yes breakdancing!), ethnic cuisine, all genres of music and tech gadgets (Apple), etc. to name a few.  When things starting happening and I couldn’t pursue some of those interests like the breakdancing, I became disoriented. 

See, I want more memories for today.  Dancing with my ex-boyfriend for the first time brings good memories but that memory was never rivaled while he and I were still together.  I tried to convey the importance of that memory to him but I don’t believe it resonated.  I want to share my world with people who will savor those times we experience while honoring them just the same.  I understand that life goes on and people will move on but the things that I experience are internalized and will add to the puzzle that represents who I am and why I do the things I do.

In my eyes memories are never fleeting thoughts but short stories that tell of my life and it’s occurrences over the years.  These memories remind me why it’s okay to try new things, to feel, to touch and to live.

Unsettled

It sure didn't take me long to start feeling uneasy in my surroundings.  I'm ready to run!  I'm ready to pick-up and move to a new city and state and I have only lived here in Pennsylvania for four months and two days.  I could contribute that familiar feeling to the fact that I don't do much with my days besides go to work and the gym.  Some days I don't go to the gym.  Instead I make poor use of my time by piddle-paddling around the house, doing this and doing that.  I'm not exactly sad about my days events.  Actually it's quite relaxing.  The relaxed feeling doesn't exactly comfort me.  Ironic huh?  Seems awkward that the feeling of relaxation doesn't lend comfort to my soul.  My Mom once told me to try and be still.  Maybe then and only then will I begin to feel comfort.

Often I check with myself to make sure my feelings don't stem from not having a partner/lover in my life.  At this juncture I can honestly say that my feelings are not for that reason.  who knew at this point in my life I would recognize not being ready to get back out there for social satisfaction.  I said it before and I will say it again, I've got eye candy at the gym. Sometimes, that's all I need. One particular guy is Hot to Def!  He is something else.  Sometimes I literally have to avoid him.  However yesterday I looked up and saw he was looking my way and I wanted to smile but I didn't want to seem like some weird chick in the gym.  Besides, he's gotta know he is a looker.  Anyhoo, I certainly don't want to jeopardize my workouts for the sake of some muscle bound cocoa skinned guy.  My workouts come first because they make me happy except when I am in pain as I was yesterday.

Now back to me wanting to move . . . I don't know what I am going to do.  Actually, yes I do.  I'm going to move to Maryland, Florida or Atlanta in 2014.  I have no ties here in Pennsylvania.  I have nothing or no one keeping me here. 

Here is the real issue:  I'm restless.  My nickname is the "Restless Refugee".  I have not changed in that respect in the last 20 years.  My ex husband started calling me that because I had no sense of home where ever he and I moved to and it was like I was fleeing to somewhere else.  Now I realize that I am no refugee in the true sense of the word and by definition.  I can say that it's a feeling I have always carried with me.  If something goes wrong at work or in my personal surroundings I would rather just leave for good never to be heard from again.  That feeling and way of dealing with life allows me the mental opportunity to start a new life somewhere else without emotional attachments.

So if I'm going to move I guess I better start planning!

Happy Birthday!

It's birthday time!  View the birthday message below.  This is for you twin sis!

 

Proudly Reflecting on Feminism

I watched  Makers:  Women who make America on PBS last night.  I stayed up as long as I possibly could because it was that good.  While watching it I found myself asking why couldn’t I have been born about  -when women would band together to fight injustice through dialogue, magazines geared towards  years before all of that started so I could take part in changing the face of marriage and of women’s rights.  I witness women talking about how they shed their traditional roles and why it was important.

I always felt really strong when it came to women’s rights and fair play.  In fact most the men I dated could see it in me and always commented on my thoughts and behavior.   At times I just thought I was a control freak.  I carry the proverbial black leather glove and in my mind I put it on and ball my fist and thrust it into the air when I feel a sense of power.    Although I do this I still haven’t found my “fight”.  I think about the women who came before me and who sacrificed their families, friends and careers to stand up for what they believed in.  I believe there is something for me to fight and this feeling has remained with me for many years.  I'm a rebel and wear my suit of armor proudly.  I stand up to the thought that I should be invisible or put in a box but I never made that my fight.

This documentary was so awesome.  I literally wanted to get out of bed and climb into the television so I could be a part of the movement of women rallying against those who felt that they could tell women what to do with their bodies.  I wanted yell and shout while they were yelling and shouting but I would obviously wake my 94yr old neighbor.  During the viewing of this show something was evoked in me that caused excitement.  Were women really like this back in the day?  Yes they were.  Are there women this radical now?  Where are they? Women stood on podiums and welcomed dialogue about women’s rights and those who wanted to take them away.  Women shouted that they wouldn’t stand for the foolishness of the lawmakers.  Women stopped taking their husbands plate to the kitchen after dinner was finished as a show of rebellion from the old ways that kept women at home in the kitchen, barefoot and pregnant.  There is nothing wrong with being pregnant and in the kitchen whether at the same time or at different times.  In our times now though here in America there is something not right, at least in my world, with expecting a women to stay at home unless that is something she truly wants to do.  Now, to be told that this is the life of a man’s wife or a woman’s wife  is completely not palatable to me but I do understand that in some cultures the women stays home while the man works and ensures that the bills are paid.

Perhaps all of this is why I am single.  I rebelled from the moment I met my ex-husband and I wasn’t shy about it.  I was raised to be me no matter what.  I was raised to not take any crap from anyone let alone a man I lay with.  Let it be known, laying with me does not allow anyone to tell me how I should dress, spend my money and what I should do with my body.  If it were up to my ex-husband I would have one or two children right now.  Knowing I was never fit to be a mother would have been a travesty to those kids.  A strong woman needs a strong man.  In my world I work, make my own money, pay my bills, shop when I want to shop, cook when I want to cook and clean when I need to clean.  In my world I don’t take everyone’s advice.  In my world the person I commit to will understand that an opinion does not always need to make itself known.  In my world the person I commit to will be willing to take the remaining 50% of the load.  There will be times I need to take up a little extra slack and there will be times when he will have to do the same.  But with love and commitment things are sure to work out.