Memories . . .

Looking back at the past has been a regular occurrence for me over the last several weeks.  Today while I picked through some of my old pics I became teary eyed and very emotional.  I could say that it’s because I am a woman but I’m sure that’s not the only reason.  I found all sorts of pictures.  Some were of my Mom when she was in her late twenties and thirties and of my niece and nephew playing basketball together during one summer when I came to visit them in Seattle.  I came across a picture of my twin sister and I celebrating our birthday together.  We couldn’t have been more than ten years old.  There was a picture of me building a cinder block wall at the Mini-mart on base in Annapolis.  I was no more than 19 or 20 years old.   

I am filled with many mixed emotions.  I wouldn’t trade those experiences I had with my family and while serving in the military for anything.  Though I often think about my failed marriage that I may have mentioned in a previous blog.  He and I had everything I thought we would need to succeed.  We had a lot in common and would have been great as a couple.  We both like to succeed, travel, eat, shop but that wasn’t enough to keep us from arguing and fighting and cheating whether emotionally or physically.  We were different in the way we expressed our need for intimacy and alone time.  Although I look at his pictures and still wonder what-if. I know that it would probably never work if we got back together.  I wish things were different.  I don't want to hear that I'm better off without him or that he doesn't deserve me.  These are thoughts that I need to come to on my own.  I have to know this and come to this conclusion on my own accord or I will always ask myself "What if?"

So as I look back the regret sets in.  The regret floods my every thought. I regret not staying in the military. I regret that I was so stubborn.  I regret that I didn’t give 100% to my marriage and truth be told I want a do-over. I regret that I didn’t take dance lessons before I hurt my knee.  I regret not taking boxing lessons before my shoulder was injured. Sure, regret is a waste and I agree.  The only thing left for me to do is to change my course of action and try to stay in the present as I navigate through life as a single 41 year old woman. 

I know I have a lot to be thankful for and I haven’t slept on that fact.  I have a job that pays me very well.  I am one payment away from paying my car off.  I can spend or not spend my money how I choose.  I can love or leave “him” alone without the dramatics.  See I have a varied sense of who I am as a woman and as a person. I have many interests such as love, music, traveling, breakdancing (yes breakdancing!), ethnic cuisine, all genres of music and tech gadgets (Apple), etc. to name a few.  When things starting happening and I couldn’t pursue some of those interests like the breakdancing, I became disoriented. 

See, I want more memories for today.  Dancing with my ex-boyfriend for the first time brings good memories but that memory was never rivaled while he and I were still together.  I tried to convey the importance of that memory to him but I don’t believe it resonated.  I want to share my world with people who will savor those times we experience while honoring them just the same.  I understand that life goes on and people will move on but the things that I experience are internalized and will add to the puzzle that represents who I am and why I do the things I do.

In my eyes memories are never fleeting thoughts but short stories that tell of my life and it’s occurrences over the years.  These memories remind me why it’s okay to try new things, to feel, to touch and to live.