So over the last week I have moments to myself here in this apartment with out my ex being around. I loved it! It was quiet, providing me more than enough space to think and ponder. When I think of not living together and moving on I think about my Mother who is single living along in a house she purchased about three years ago and now is about to sell it. She is selling it because she doesn't have anyone to help her take care of and when she finishes paying for this house she will be in her 80's. So she decided that she would rather live by herself in an apartment where she didn't have to mow the lawn or constantly put money into hiring a handy man.
I certainly don't blame her however I don't want to be alone in my 60's. I do want to be in a fulfilling relationship. There are times when I see my mother in me. It's the way I talk to people and how I react. I don't want to be that woman saying slick things to people. By "slick" I mean responding to someone with rude smart alec jabs disguised as helpful comments that are clearly unnecessary. To avoid those "slick" comments I am constantly watching what I say because those comments can be hurtful.
Aside from not wanting to live with my ex any longer I have come to the conclusion that I don't want to date for a long while. I choose to not pursue meeting anyone for the purpose of having an intimate relationship. Right now I would like my life to encompass family, career, school, fitness and the very few friends I have.
Most my my friends are male and yes, I am in the friend zone. Yes, they call me for advice or to rant about there ex girlfriend or why they just broke up with all three of the women at the same time. I'm okay with that. It takes the pressure off of me to be something to them that I am not. I can be just me and know that I don't have to deal with the emotional trip I go through having women as friends. I notice that the women usually befriend me and use me for my moral support and then when their situation gets better they no longer support our friendship.
Being 40 means, for me, that it's time to evaluate the people in my circle and what I really want to happen with my life. I'm changing my focus to reflect what truly makes me happy.
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