Now that I am in my 40's I feel differently and that's not always good. I feel like my body is betraying me. I wake in pain every day, every single day. My chest hurts so bad sometimes I am afraid to sneeze. When I do sneeze both my chest and left shoulder aches. My knees make crackling sounds. I guess I could go on and on but I won't about what ails me. All I know is that right now I am not the best I can be. I want and expect something so profound for me in my 40's. I haven't figured out how to get it. Actually I do know how I can get it but I have been procrastinating.
The number one thing I feel I can do is not except my life as final. Secondly finally move on from the guy I live with who happens to be my ex-boyfriend. Mediocre sex and a lack of verbal filters when necessary don't make my life hell but they are constant reminders why I don't want to be with him and why I am glad he decided not to give in to my whimpering to get back together. Somehow he knew better.
I'm a self-professed control freak. I want to control my intimate surroundings. This means that I don't want to live with a man unless I can honestly say that I love him and want him in my life for as long as humanly possible. I don't want to pick up after a man nor do I care to wash his dishes after he expressed that his non-dish washing stint was because they weren't HIS dishes. Okay then that means now that I should refuse to continue cleaning the bathroom to include the toilet, sink, shower and floor because the baby powder on the floor isn't mine but HIS. Maybe I will just clean my half of the counter and sink. How about that? No, that's petty. I would be giving in to his way of doing things.
Now about this filter, I don't believe my ex has one. Last week we went to a seafood restaurant and the hostess commented that things were a bit slow. Later a waitress, different from the initial one that took our order, came over. His comment to her was "You must be bored, huh?" She asked why and he replied with a comment about her having nothing to do in the back and coming out to assist us. She was taken totally aback and begin to explain that she was just trying to help. I was mortified. My question/comment was, "Did you really just say that to her?" his reply was "She be alright."
I will admit that he is a very rough around the edges but I told him the last time he acted like a heathen in a restaurant that I wouldn't go again. Sure there are times when you relax and have a good time. Then you have those restaurants where you mind your manners. In this earlier case he yelled across the restaurant for the waitress. I couldn't believe he did that. While we ate he blurted obscenities. I was mortified. I should have learned my lesson then.
Okay besides that he and I have nothing in common. He likes to go out and drink and I mean really lay it down. I used to but not anymore. I go to the gym he won't go near a gym. So not only while dating him did I gain weight, he has gained weight. Sex just sucks now. He smokes, I don't. He won't clean and I do. Actually he will clean maybe once a month just the bathroom or just the kitchen and carpet.
Bottom line is that now that I am in my 40's I don't want to put up with bull crap anymore. I don't want to pussyfoot around difficult subjects. I don't want to have sex when I don't want to have sex and since he and I technically are not dating I don't feel obliged to have bad sex with him. He's a funny guy just not MY funny guy.
I don't want to cancel a dream because someone doesn't want me to pursue it. If I want to move to Timbuktu then I am going to do that. If I want spend all my money on Nike Tailwinds then I don't want someone telling me how to spend the money I make.
I don't want someone telling me what to eat and when I should eat.
I don't want anyone questioning me about my childless life and whether or not I have a desire to procreate.
I'm 40 for goodness sakes! There is something to be said about that!
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